30 ROCK

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INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - DAY 2

Liz spots Jack entering the hallway from a door across the hall. He is in a suit and tie but disguised by wearing a tam-o-shanter, narrow sunglasses that look like a hair band, and he has pink Hello Kitty band aids on his earlobes.

LIZ

Jack. Jack? Is it you? Why are you coming out of the. . . Electrolysis - I.C.U. ? ?

JACK

(looking around self-consciously) (irritated) Well Lemon, If you must know, I have a condition. Like all the Donaghy men before me, I suffer from . . .severe ear lobe fuzz.

LIZ

Ear lobe fuzz?
Jack grabs Liz by the shoulders and moves her into a quiet corner.

JACK

Shhh shh  shh

LIZ

Ear lobe fuzz? How severe can (with a humorous smirk) that be?

JACK

Liz, If I didn’t get these treatments, within a few weeks- my face would look like the meat in a ZZ Top sandwich.

LIZ

No way!

JACK

Yes, way. Back when I was first diagnosed, I was written about- anonymously of course- in the New England Journal of Medicine . .  as Lynx Lad.

LIZ

Aren’t lynx furry on top?

JACK

Damn it Liz! They were doctors not taxidermists. But now, thanks to some modern breakthroughs in the dermatahairbalogical sciences, I’m done with long hours of tweezing and waxing. For the first time in years, I can go to meetings and reunions and see heads turn and hear people say,” I know we’re the same age, and yet, he has the baby butt smooth earlobes of a much younger man.

LIZ

Oh, you poor vain man. All this time, We never knew. You were the Rapunzel of freaky man hair.

JACK

Yes, well thank you for your discomfiting sympathy. And what might I ask brings you all the way to  Lesser White Plains and the remotely located Special Hospital for the Embarrassingly Disordered?

LIZ

Oh, you know, just filling a prescription.

JACK

Here?

LIZ

Well, It’s special vitamins. Just my longevity regimen.

JACK

(peeking into her bag) And your special half gallon of vitamins is called Over-Nighty Mighty Poop?

LIZ

I’ve gotta go.

JACK
You’ll be saying that a lot tonight.