ALTERED AMERICA

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THE KING ENTERS. EVERYONE STRAIGHTENS UP A BIT.

KOE  (King of England)

Well. Let’s have it. What was it this time? A brick balanced over the bedroom door? Laxatives in the cocoa? (sharper) Flashlight batteries up the bum contest? . . . (sighs) again.

WE SEE A TABLEAU OF THE BAND. MOST MEMBERS AVERTING THERE EYES FROM THE KING. OGDEN BARES A GRIMACE OF UNCOMFORTABLE MEMORY. VINCE HAS A DEFENSIVE LOOK THAT SAYS,”WELL, WHEN YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT”.

OGDEN

(hoarsely) No, sir. I was asleep on the couch...

KOE

Ogden, stop talking. You’re the victim for Christmas sake. Somebody else- what the hell happened!

CRAWDADDY

Yes sir. You see sir, it was like this. Oggie was asleep on the couch and some of us, well, he had his mouth wide open and he was snoring and I guess it was annoying, and I guess we  kinda thought it would be fun to see if we could pitch a marachino cherry or an olive into his mouth.

KOE

Oh well, yes of course, what could go wrong there. Chucking fruits into a vital air passage. Go on.

CRAWDADDY

Well sir, I guess one of the olives- well the one that actually went in his mouth- well I guess it musta had a ... a toothpick in it.

KOE

Oh, Christ.

CRAWDADDY

But, it’s O.K., Sir. We took him to the vet and he’s gonna...

KOE

The vet!? You took Ogden to a veterinarian?

CRAWDADDY
Well, we couldn’t find the clinic, but then we saw the vet, and so we took him in and got him fixed.

KOE

You spayed my tuba player?

CRAWDADDY

Oh, no sir. He just reached in with some long tweezers and got the olive.

KOE

Well, thank god there are some limits to your pranks. Now- Hear this. No more life threatening fun and games. I’ll settle with the vet this time. I need you all to put this behind you and be ready to play your best for the president. Next time - everyone is docked. Now, go and sin no more.