UNACCUSTUMED TO THE SEA ~ A FARCE
EXT. ENGLAND, THE PORT OF SADLIVER- DAY
A limousine driver, holding an umbrella against a steady rain, is aiding the rotund Mr. Hardquart from the vehicle and into the doors of the building housing the offices of Chief Judge William (Willy) Hangham.
INT. JUDGE HANGHAM’S OFFICE - MINUTES LATER- DAY
MR. HARDQUART
. . . and so you have been chosen by the Queen. She needs a conviction.
JUDGE HANGHAM
May I be so bold as to ask why her majesty has such passion for this case and it’s outcome?
MR. HARDQUART
Winner, winner, chicken dinner, Judge Hangham. Ordinarily no, you could not be so bold. However, as there are many well known and long lived rumors about; I will clear the air a bit
(long beat)
You may have heard it said that the Royal Families for hundreds of years have enjoyed a well concealed private life full of indulgent and debased entertainments.
JUDGE HANGHAM
Some of which are true?
MR. HARDQUART
Judge Hangham! Surely, you don’t seriously expect me to confirm any such malicious fables!
JUDGE HANGHAM
I beg your pardon. I withdraw the question. Please continue.
MR. HARDQUART
Very well, then. - One such alleged and scandalous intrigue goes back to the days of Captain Cook. Evidently, he was once obliged to taste the flesh of his host Chieftain's recently barbecued former rival. The Chieftain insisted that the Captain take a portion of the meat home as a fitting gift to the great Chieftain of England- King George, of course. The captain obliged and had the meat cured with smoke and salt for the voyage. He returned it home to keep his promise and to present a novel curiosity to the court.
Mr. Hardquart gestures insistently with his empty glass towards the decanter on the Judge’s desk. The Judge shakes off his thrall for the story he is hearing and jumps to fill the glass. After a deep and gratifying sip, Mr. Hardquart continues.
You see, ever after, there have been vile stories of the king actually eating the profane delicacy and not only developing a craving for the “long pig”, but secretly demanding a clandestine supply of the abominable victuals; establishing a custom supposedly lasting unto this day and age- the practice of consuming human flesh, as the story goes, having been taken up with vigor by succeeding royal families and their intimates.
JUDGE HANGHAM
Good Lord!
MR. HARDQUART
Now you can see; If the Queen can be known to condemn the actions of these sailors, it will go a long way in helping to lessen suspicions of cannibalism in the royal chambers.
JUDGE HANGHAM
I see. It suddenly makes some kind of sense.
MR. HARDQUART
Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Very well then, your duty is clear. I will leave you to it and trust that you will achieve the desired result. Good day sir.